Sunday, 26 December 2010

One cannot grow if only provided with approval....as nice as approval may be.

Saturday, 25 December 2010

Panic Attacks

Sometimes I get scared so much that I want to crawl out of my own skin as it gets so tight and tense, strangling me, slowly tearing and ripping as if it peeled off my body.

I’d curl up on the floor, somewhere in a corner and scream my guts out due to the pain caused by my skin being ripped open.

I’d cover my ears and I’d shut my eyes for every noise becomes the sound of pure evil and hatred, for everyone turns into monsters. I’d see monsters filled with aggression and anger everywhere.

It’s the purest form of fear. So pure and intense that one could touch it. But the friction would kill you immediately, if you came in contact with it. Sudden death!

If you ever get to see me in this state, do not make me look at you as I don’t want for your face to turn into the one of an aggressive monster before my eyes.

If you ever get to see me in this state, do not talk to me as your voice would turn into the voice of all evil in my ears.

If you ever get to see me in this state, do not move me as you would cause for my skin to break.

If you ever get to see me in this state, do hold me tight until I tell you that I’m okay again.
I'm not crazy.. I just think outside the box most of the time...

I'm my own Religion

I'm my own religion. I follow my own commandments. I believe in being good and cause no harm but I will not fill in the blanks for you as I'm no evangelist. My believes are no truer than yours for my questions are also unanswered just like yours. Only when I meet Death will I know whether I was right. There's no Heaven or Hell in my world as I can't frighten myself with punishment, as I can't fail to obey my own rules. My rules are set. I'm my own religion.

Sunday, 19 December 2010

My life is merely fiction. It would scare the living shit out of me if you told me that it is reality!

Friday, 17 December 2010

Playing Games

Risking your life is like extreme sport, like base jumping,
when you release your parachute at the very last second,
just before you crash and die.
You take the risk, you crave the risk, it’s exciting.

The power of whether you live or die is in your hands.
For a moment you’re your own God.
You push it, you want to get to the ground as close as you can get.
The scent of fear is merely the oxygen that feeds your cravings.
Inhale, exhale, again and again.

Playing games with Death, eye to eye.
There’s no point in choosing a weaker opponent if you can face the master
and playing games is only worth your while
if the stakes are set high.

You’ve won countless battles but you know that one day he’ll catch you.
You shall loose with pride whenever that will be.
Celebrate another victory tomorrow, if you wake up.
Touch wood and release the parachute.

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Meet me every time as if you were to leave your first impression, treat me as if it was the last time you were going to spend time with me knowing that tomorrow I would leave the face of this planet and be gone for good and the last word spoken or unspoken would be the last one for me to keep and remember. Whether I am a stranger, your friend or anyone who crosses your path; as I will treat you with the same respect.

Sunday, 21 November 2010

Don't talk in my tongue to impress me, talk in your own and amaze me!

Tuesday, 16 November 2010

I saw my reflection in the mirror and thought "Who am I to judge you?" only to say out loud "I am you!".. If I'm not my own judge, then no one should be..

Friday, 5 November 2010

Changes

We change, everything changes but the more often we do change, the more we get to know as who we really are, get to know what matters and what doesn't matter.. We change and realise that we're not who we used to be.. We tend to remember who we used to be and maybe miss our old selves but we've grown and have to understand that what once was will never be the same again as we know better now than we did back then..

Wednesday, 3 November 2010

Human

You push, you demand, you poke your will right through my skin
You lay your worries onto my shoulders and don’t care whether I’m wearing thin
Yes we joke, yes we laugh but you like to take it too far and get me fumin’
Have you forgotten, have you forgotten that I’m only human?

I’m human which means that I care
I’m human which means that I feel
I’m human which means that I dare
That I dare to be real
I fight for more, fight to survive
Fight like you, to be recognised

Your opinions babble out your mouth like fuel hits fire
You want me to listen until my ears bleed, my approval is your desire
You make me watch you stab backs with your dirty knife, crueller than a Roman
But have you forgotten, have you forgotten that I’m only human?

I’m human which means that I care
I’m human which means that I feel
I’m human which means that I dare
That I dare to be real
I fight for more, fight to survive
Fight like you, to be recognised

When have you become so selfish? When have you become so blind?
Am I the one not following or have you just lost your mind?
Does it shock you that I react? Did you think I would play your game?
When have you forgotten that I’m human and you and I ought to be the same?

I’m human which means that I care
I’m human which means that I feel
I’m human which means that I dare
That I dare to be real
I fight for more, fight to survive
Fight like you, to be recognised 

(Currently transformed into a song)

Tuesday, 2 November 2010

Re-evaluate

I'm my own worst enemy, random is my philosophy..

The thrill to live on the edge, the boredom of wise decisions is what thrives me but drives me further away from myself..

I choose to lose the battles I fight within myself, driven by the curiosity of the outcome..

I watch my body and my life fall into pieces and only have a disinterested shrug as response "I can always fix it again"..

I crave for more, I seek and push for my limits..

And still, even though and after all, I'm not ready to let go, I'm not ready to lose it all, I'm not ready to be done and dusted.. Life's too damn interesting!

I've read somewhere that "what you risk reveals what you value"..
Life's all I've got, I guess I have to re-evaluate..

Maybe it's because I find challenges exciting, maybe it's because it keeps me going, maybe it's because I'm not used to and therefore not satisfied with a mediocre life..

Maybe I just need to grow up! But maybe the thought of that bores me!

Sunday, 24 October 2010

The past doesn't matter if the presence is sweet.. And the presence is sweet indeed..

Saturday, 23 October 2010

Men aren't as simple as you think they are.. To me, they speak a foreign language I cannot understand nor will I ever be able to learn it.. Women on the other hand are easy to understand just high maintenance to deal with..

Monday, 18 October 2010

If tomorrow isn't a given..

Let's imagine that tomorrow isn't a given, which it really isn't; I wonder what are we waiting for? If happiness lies within the little moments; why miss them? If love is something we've got plenty to give; why give it out only in small doses? If laughter makes us happy; why not crack a joke right now? If risks are something that make life interesting; why be scared to risk something that doesn't last forever anyway?  Seize the day, live for the moment, regret nothing.. If tomorrow isn't a given; why be scared to live for today? And don't be worried to loose yourself as fear will always keep us grounded..

Sunday, 3 October 2010

I guess it's called "growing up"..

I thought that I was living my life to the max, I thought I felt alive and I thought I couldn’t do it any better..
But then I woke up one day, not from a dream after I had slept..
No, I woke up as if something had smacked me in the face while I was already awake..
I realised that all these years of “living my life” were wasted and gone..
Yes I had fun and yes I’ve experienced things that for some would only happen in their wildest imagination..
But I got too distracted and forgot who I am in this whole process because I was too busy to consume and be consumed..
It seems like as if my "Future Me" travelled back in time to get my Alive tattoo done just so that two years later I would question whether I’m really doing this thing called life correctly or how I truly intended for it to be like ->
Feeling Alive rather than just be content with the given task of existing…
I was na├»ve to think that the pages of my book were full and colourful but in reality they’re still blank apart from the first page and this silly page looks worn out and is merely a repetition of the same mistakes and foolishness..
I guess it’s called "growing up"..


Saturday, 25 September 2010

Living in a dream-world while reality is objecting..

Saturday, 18 September 2010

Gangs

Let's unlock all front doors, remove all gates and hand each and every single one of us a gun.
Which side would be left standing? The once who have always been carrying guns or the once who seek revenge?

Bitter sweet revenge will turn an exhausted mind blind and prejudice will kill the innocent.
Blood flooded streets and too many bodies to burn.
The haunted become the feared while the power enhanced feeling of the gun feeds their spirit.


With fear in our necks we shall remain silent and think of better ideas to solve one of the planet's biggest issue..


Tuesday, 7 September 2010

Sometimes you've gotta take your time to unsubscribe to stuff just to get rid of junk in your life for good coz ignoring it, will just keep that unwanted junk coming in..

Sunday, 18 April 2010

Apple Tree

Once upon a time a little baby girl was born, to what seemed, save the face of her own family as infidelity tainted their reputation, their bond, their promise to stay together.

To welcome this little girl to this planet, an apple tree was planted. This in many eyes would merely seem like an ordinary tradition but in reality the apple tree served as a clever distraction of the current events.

Time passed and the beautiful family life her parents managed to keep up fooling themselves and everyone around them, didn't seem to last as long as they had hoped for.
Just like it could happen at a theatrical performance, the scenery they've built and worked on so hard suddenly collapsed.

What the girl was meant to save, could in fact have never been saved. Her presence wasn't of use any longer. She soon learned to feel the hand of reality, the dark side, the unpleasant, done nothing blamed for everything, her innocence taken away too early, of no use or worth, just there, locked up, just existing.

As the girl grew older, her apple tree did too and one day, as apple trees do, grew apples but not a single one was edible. Instead of sweet, juicy and big apples, her apple tree grew them small and already rotten brown. Unexplainable to everyone but it didn't cause much furore either. It was what it was, maybe not even a big surprise, maybe even predictable.

There was nothing wrong with the tree; after all, no one ever said that if we plant an apple tree we should expect the sweet, juicy and big apples. In fact we're merely taking responsibility to look after a tree once we've planted it.

As I've mentioned, there was nothing wrong with the tree, it only represented the true face of reality, the dark and unpleasant but yet not less reality. As harsh as it might seem, in reality lies beauty, each rotten fruit was a piece of truth unveiled.

Unfortunately, society couldn't bare to look at an apple tree that wouldn't represent the false image of perfection, beauty, "the norm" and whatever measures they've set themselves to believe that the apple tree wasn't worth growing any more. Of course it had to be removed, it might ruin the scenery they have worked on so hard. Instead they overbuilt the land.

The girl learned that society doesn't find reality pleasant, she learned that they will try to overbuild and cover up everything that doesn't measure up to their agenda.

She also learned to love the beauty of reality, she learned to appreciate it and to be grateful for it. And as long as she'll live she'll uncover a piece of truth with every word she says. Only few will understand, the majority will despise her for they do not want to see reality as they are too fragile to deal with it, too dumb to understand it, too comfortable to bare it, too blind to see how beautiful it really is!

Tuesday, 30 March 2010

"Then just be anything and then be someone else and then try something new until you figure who it is you wanna be and what it is you wanna do... Coz we can choose as how we want to grow, we just have to be willing to take the risk.. Coz what may come may be different to what we know but since what we know isn't what we want; why not just go for the unknown?"

Monday, 15 March 2010

Changing

There are words missing that would match the way I currently feel..
Being captured in between this space of questions..
Not here, not there, a stranger in a strange place..
Looking for familiarity by coincidence..
Searching and redefining what in fact is familiar..

What once was is gone..
What will be is unclear..
Who I am, uncertain..

Meeting myself for the first time again..
Getting to know Me, deep in thoughts, listening to my inner child..
Following gut feelings, experiencing life from a new point of view..
Prioritising life hasn't become possible just yet..
Taking in life as it comes along rather than desperately trying to consume it..
Living for today, not expecting answers..
Holding on to my passion, patiently discovering myself..

I think I'm growing, I think I'm changing, I think I like it..

Monday, 15 February 2010

The Sign (Experiencing Switzerland)

You see, there's this sign I seem to carry with me right above my head.. It's quite loud even though it doesn't make any noise.. It implies that I'm gay, well that's what it's supposed to say..

To some it's dirty, like it needs a good wash and it may scream punk, therefore bum, due to my dress-sense and there's an immediate effect of disrespect, into my face disrespect that could not be mistaken for anything else.. These people will hold on tight to their handbags, would not dare to sit next to me on public transport, literally stop conversation and stare when I walk past or when I enter a pub..
This merely makes me smile while I shake my head in disbelieve..

Others look at the sign and see porn; I would use another word but it describes exactly what they see.. In this case my sign seems to scream filth in a very sexual manner and this, somehow, apparently allows these people to treat me like a cheap piece of meat.. They make my ears bleed with their disgusting comments and think that they're welcome to touch as if I had invited them to.. The reactions differ from male to male and female to female.. Some just look at me as if I was the abomination of the nation..

Amongst gay people, my sign seems to look really pretty, not too loud either, just loud enough to state the obvious.. My sign seems to fit in perfectly and I don't seem to feel the weight of it, it's just floating there not bothering anyone..

And so everyone has their sign to carry and to every individual your sign looks different.. Some are scared of it, some don't get bothered by it.. Whether your sign has to do with your skin colour, sexual orientation, religion, dress-sense and so forth.. Some can hide their sign, some can't, some don't want to have to hide it..

All I know is, it's important for me to carry mine.. It's important for me TO BE and it's important for others to see.. And no matter how heavy, uncomfortable and loud it gets at times, I will carry it with pride for myself and everyone who isn't strong enough to carry their own..

Monday, 8 February 2010

The curse of the restless traveller; one is never at the same place long enough to experience things that require time..

Sunday, 3 January 2010

Where have all the muses gone? (Experiencing Switzerland)

Looking to my right, looking to my left merely to discover that I'm surrounded by shallow conversations, nervous laughter, undiscovered common sense and idiotic comments that are guilty of slaying any kind of inspiration and creativity one could have..

Rolling my eyes to "opinions" so naive and uneducated it hurts.. It seems knowledge has been made an enemy and "morals" reinvented to further repress minorities..

Pushing my brain to think, search, get inspired.... But the page stays blank..

All that remains are thoughts of disappointment and disbelieve..

Could anybody tell me; where have all the muses gone???