Mist

Speeding through the misty sea in a vessel connecting London and Paris.

Sunken into my imagination, fixed on mind blowing lines and paragraphs.

Thought provoked I look up, facing the window and realise my surroundings.

Suddenly, like I am dragged into a parallel universe, I feel like an angel flying as fast as a jet through heavenly territory.

Euphoria strikes my body.

I will never look at mist the same again.

writer's block and I

In the here and now; are we all just looking to be different? In the here and now when nothing seems to be shocking as much as it used to be. Maybe shocking to the untainted mind but for the rest of us everything just belongs to life and this is what we claim it to be. Life is shocking and if it wouldn’t be; would we be satisfied?

I’ve been searching for sanity and the more I discover it, the less I write. Do we need our past to haunt us to get inspired? There is not much to write if your mind seems content. Even if it isn’t, the urge to be sane pushes the creative mind to a halt.

What we dare to say or not to say. Or maybe it is the urge to be understood. What we write requires to be commonly understood. Or maybe this is death. We ought to draw outside the lines to survive and stay sane; our own sanity and not the commonly understood sanity. For the commonly understood cannot be reality but a false construction of what may be seen as comfortable enough to be ignored.

Shallow minds, no thoughts, no questions, no passion, no desires but false happiness. Empty bodies feeding on commonly understood reality. Lies. Deception. False happiness. The majority.

Suddenly I am petrified to be understood.

We have to live with the knowledge that certain people react intolerant to knowledge.

I'm pro about being a weirdo....but you've got to be able to back it up because you're just a weirdo gone wrong if you can't.. After all, there's a touch of genius and art in weirdnessss

You don't have to look for monsters far when they're in your head.

Lingering quietly, barely recognisable. They come in disguise.

Hiding deep within nevertheless always ready to break free.

Tempted, giving in easily to self-destruction.

Harming whatever they can whatever you let them to.

But the monsters aren't something created by your imagination,

the monsters are you and you are the one who comes in disguise.

Portraying the clean-cut version of terror.

Apparently a pretty face but a pretty face means fuck all to me.. I'd rather have you call me awkward, strange, funny, random, caring, emotional, deep or if you can't think of anything at all, call me human..

To seek your parents' approval is a fight of constant rejection and a soul destroying battle that you may never win unless you give in and approve of yourself..

London Riots August 2011

'You think you have to want more than you need...until you have it all, you won't be free.'

Dear corporate type people,
This is what society taught us, this is how you guys are getting richer, this is why these riots are happening.. I'm not justifying, I'm just stating the obvious.. You have created monsters and these monsters have been rioting and looting over the past few days.. Because you're so power hungry, you created illusions of riches, status and beauty and you blatantly know who to target with your advertisement and brainwashing just to control the crowd and their spendings.. You forgot that some people aren't very intelligent.. You forgot that these unintelligent people are envious of you and your monthly pay-check.. You forgot that you're dealing with human beings who can be unpredictable.. And while we're all slaving away for you, being treated like underpaid robots and machines you completely ignore the fact that you're causing major damage!! It's disgusting what's happening but we mustn't forget that you're disgusting too!!

Penny Drop

The metaphorical drop of the penny, you know when you finally realise something that somehow should have been so obvious.. When you grow up you've got all of these penny drop moments in your life and especially while growing up, sometimes the penny seems to take a bit longer to drop but eventually it does.. So if you're ever stuck at something and you don't know you're way out of it, rest assured, the penny will drop eventually.. And this is all I have to say for my lame comparison of the day..

Sometimes you're born into shit but it's up to you to wash that crap off and get rid of the smell with every accomplishment you achieve. Accomplishments of which you alone should be proud of.

All people we meet in our life are extremely important.. The ones who are somehow like us remind us that we belong.. The ones that are annoyingly different from us give us a chance to see things from a different point of view and therefore give us a chance to grow and realise what in fact is and isn't important in life..

The Realisation

Growing is like turning lead into gold. If one does not understand the studies of an alchemist, one would not be able to grasp the profound changes that are going through my mind.

I realised that once you understand and are aware of the deep connection between you and everything natural on this planet, you sure are growing.

I found myself, I lost myself, I found myself and lost myself again.. Now it's time to be me..

Bold Rambling

We are scared of the things we do not understand and we make those things our enemy because the fear of finding just the slightest comparison to us and them is so intense that we live a life pretending we’ve never encountered such new knowledge. We ridicule whatever bears more depth than we can handle. Losing oneself in this depth is losing it all to something that has no ground, no limit, no reason. We find ourselves lose sanity and this is the reason why we hold on to all the concepts we understand and we find truth in things that bear no meaning.

But if one has been challenged to see what matters and that a shallow life is nothing that holds any truth, then one must be lost to the depth that seems truer than anything we have ever touched or felt. In this depth we find ourselves to be in solitude as there is no common ground with anyone who surrounds us. The words that we speak are so deep that the sound of them is only recognised as a foreign language. So we speak in the same tongue, go along with the portrayed sham and are excited by foolishness just to escape loneliness. We feel the need to be accepted, to belong but we slip sometimes as we are ridiculed by our own behaviour, trying to conform.

The mass, the majority, the norm, morals, expectations, believes. Rules set to blindly follow and trust but the ones who see know not to trust but to question everything. But those who question are an inconvenience and must be silenced as questions may reveal faults in the system. If they cannot be silenced, they are ridiculed, labelled insane and unworthy of speech even if their hearts are purer than gold. Their hearts do not matter. But those who see know that one’s heart is the treasure of one’s soul. Those who question must therefore guard their hearts as it is the most precious but fragile possession that we have and although fragile, it is the only object we own to shield ourselves.

The lucky ones are those who blindly trust and follow for they will never be ridiculed but encouraged to give in to the game of life and strive to consume from its rich plate. The ones who see, the ones who question, the ones who have no use for such plate, have merely the choice to conform, somewhere between sanity and insanity.

Don't try to live the life of your soul as our young society does not know how to accommodate it. They only desire your young, beautiful and healthy body. And only if it's to their advantage, they may allow you to think and speak.

Inspired by the book 'Journey by Moonlight' - Antal Szerb

Panic Attacks

Sometimes I get scared so much that I want to crawl out of my own skin as it gets so tight and tense, strangling me, slowly tearing and ripping as if it peeled off my body.

I’d curl up on the floor, somewhere in a corner and scream my guts out due to the pain caused by my skin being ripped open.

I’d cover my ears and I’d shut my eyes for every noise becomes the sound of pure evil and hatred, for everyone turns into monsters. I’d see monsters filled with aggression and anger everywhere.

It’s the purest form of fear. So pure and intense that one could touch it. But the friction would kill you immediately, if you came in contact with it. Sudden death!

If you ever get to see me in this state, do not make me look at you as I don’t want for your face to turn into the one of an aggressive monster before my eyes.

If you ever get to see me in this state, do not talk to me as your voice would turn into the voice of all evil in my ears.

If you ever get to see me in this state, do not move me as you would cause for my skin to break.

If you ever get to see me in this state, do hold me tight until I tell you that I’m okay again.

I'm my own Religion

I'm my own religion. I follow my own commandments. I believe in being good and cause no harm but I will not fill in the blanks for you as I'm no evangelist. My believes are no truer than yours for my questions are also unanswered just like yours. Only when I meet Death will I know whether I was right. There's no Heaven or Hell in my world as I can't frighten myself with punishment, as I can't fail to obey my own rules. My rules are set. I'm my own religion.

Playing Games

Risking your life is like extreme sport, like base jumping,
when you release your parachute at the very last second,
just before you crash and die.

You take the risk, you crave the risk, it’s exciting.

The power of whether you live or die is in your hands.

For a moment you’re your own God.

You push it, you want to get to the ground as close as you can get.

The scent of fear is merely the oxygen that feeds your cravings.

Inhale, exhale, again and again.

Playing games with Death, eye to eye.

There’s no point in choosing a weaker opponent if you can face the master
and playing games is only worth your while

if the stakes are set high.

You’ve won countless battles but you know that one day he’ll catch you.

You shall loose with pride whenever that will be.

Celebrate another victory tomorrow, if you wake up.

Touch wood and release the parachute.

Re-evaluate

I'm my own worst enemy, random is my philosophy..

The thrill to live on the edge, the boredom of wise decisions is what thrives me but drives me further away from myself..

I choose to lose the battles I fight within myself, driven by the curiosity of the outcome..

I watch my body and my life fall into pieces and only have a disinterested shrug as response "I can always fix it again"..

I crave for more, I seek and push for my limits..

And still, even though and after all, I'm not ready to let go, I'm not ready to lose it all, I'm not ready to be done and dusted.. Life's too damn interesting!

I've read somewhere that "what you risk reveals what you value"..
Life's all I've got, I guess I have to re-evaluate..

Maybe it's because I find challenges exciting, maybe it's because it keeps me going, maybe it's because I'm not used to and therefore not satisfied with a mediocre life..

Maybe I just need to grow up! But maybe the thought of that bores me!

If tomorrow isn't a given..

Let's imagine that tomorrow isn't a given, which it really isn't; I wonder what are we waiting for? If happiness lies within the little moments; why miss them? If love is something we've got plenty to give; why give it out only in small doses? If laughter makes us happy; why not crack a joke right now? If risks are something that make life interesting; why be scared to risk something that doesn't last forever anyway?  Seize the day, live for the moment, regret nothing.. If tomorrow isn't a given; why be scared to live for today? And don't be worried to loose yourself as fear will always keep us grounded..